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listen you white bastards.i come to your country with my family nine brothers and sisters i tell imagration that i was being badly treated in my own country.and they beleave us.your dull goverment put us up in a hotel paid for by you lot.i complained because we had a bad reception on the tv and you lot had the cheek to write about me in the natonal news papers you racist bastards.anyway because of the way i was treated in my own country your kind goverment give us £7000.each.so we put the money together and opened the turkish club.the first words i learned to say in english was dhss you racists can work all your lives but none of you could afford a club like ours.the clubs doing very good so swansea will be having a lot more kabab shops opening soon.please come in and abuse me and my arab brothers.because we wipe our cocks in the pitta bread before the start the shift and watch you racist bastards eat it.we hate this country because the people are racists.but when i have earned enough money off you lot i will retire back home in the sun.and leave you lot with your govement pensions in this shit country or if i stay i will buy lots of houses and your kind goverment will pay the rent on them for me.or like my wise uncle claim dhss money in three different names so i have three times more money than you and its your country.PRAISE TO ALLAH

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Hey Mr Turk, We've all seen Midnight Express we know what you people get up to in "back passages" John Hurt hasn't walked properly ever since he made that movie...why do you think it looks like his eys are watering all time? Anyway who the fuck wants to dine out on sheeps eyes and goat bollocks when the Expresso Bar is just up the road and you can watch Phil the Div with the wild bunch by the station? Come to think of it I'm gonna tell Phil the Div and Dancing Ken you are giving away free opium in your Turkish Bar/Den and Phil will come down and rob your stash and set fire to your setee. By the way the only Swansea tarts that will shag you lot is Tattooed Sheila and fucking Joan Smutto who sells the Evening post or one of them goats from Margam Park and then you would have to bribe it with a hundredweight of Spillers Special Goat Meal from the pet stall in the market and even then it would probably spew everywhere because of the smell of the the mullah juice. When you come over here your supposed to adapt to our culture..why not eat some cockles or fuck off back to Istanbul you greasy cunt? cheers Berie Knows

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to all my arab brothers living in swansea you are welcome to visit my new club that i have just opened.its for arabs only sorry no white bastards allowed.its a couple of doors up from hyper value in high st.we do all turkish menu with cheap drinks and you can have a game of pool.and smoke hubbley bubbuley in the back of the building if you know what i mean my arab freinds.theres lots of swansea tarts after us.because they know us arabs have plenty of money so for a good time and a shag at the end of the night visit the turkish club high st

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1. What is it about Elvis that you admirer so much? .....His ability to pick up up a ping-pong ball using only anal suction. Very handy in the bath when you lose you favourite bar of "Elvis Soap". 2. Would you say that you are obsessed with Elvis? .....I think about Elvis ever minute of every day, even when I'm thinking about something else..I think. 3. What influence does Elvis have on your life? .....As a "Elvisophile" Tristan I often push acorns up my nostrils, I know it's supposed to be sychamore's but they tend to irritate as it's not a native tree in Townhill. Anyway I think one of the acorns have started to sprout so I am one happy puppy. 4. What qualities do you need to be an Elvis fanatic? .....Most Elvisophiles would of course say "singing in a sexy southern drawl while gyrating the pelvic floor in an erotic manner" but I can go one better and state that lobbing goldfish at least 100 metres is an essential attribute. 5. How long have you been an Elvis fanatic? .....It is a known fact that even while travelling down the fallopian tube as an unferilised egg (being pursued by Elvis sperms) I was tapping my foot and belting out "Jailhouse Rock" on my Fender Strat. You can't argue with that, if you do I'll rip your fucking windpipe out y'all. 6. If you could describe the’ ‘Elvis fan’ in one word, what would it be? .....Colostomy 7. Have you any stories or facts that you can tell me about Elvis? .....Besides being tutored by Elvis locally in the art of acorn snorting you mean? Come on..... 8. Do you think that Elvis is alive? .....Well Tristan, if he isn't, you tell me who was paying 65p for a pound of lentils up the Spar in Graiglwydd Shops??? I tell you, I was dead shocked, nay STUNNED I was, everybody knows you can get lentils much cheaper in Asda. I said to Elvis, I said, HEY ELVIS! Are you making soup? He muttered something like HUH HUH HUH, and sauntered off shaking his hips and a'strummin' WHAT A GUY!! 9. What functions and/or meetings do you arrange for the club? .....We recently held a "Most Unlike" Elvis impersonator competition, runner up was Elsie Harris's pet beagle, and winner was of course Dai the Thalidomide who won hand's down. 10. If I were able to join your club what would I gain from it as a member? Would I get a badge? .....You would get a badge, of course you would get a badge Tristan you dull cunt. What would be the point in joining a fucking Elvis club if you didn't get a bastarding badge? In fact I was going to give you a special Tie and Blazer set but now you can fuckin blimming fuck right off and I'm not answering anymore of your stupid questions, "would I get a badge"? What an ignorant get! Bertie Knows (Townhill)