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Thank-you Alex for replacing me on the back pages Yours in shared ineptitude - Paul

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Good to see you picked a spinner this week. Can anyone enlighten me as to Mr Cowlard's performance ?

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Am penning my next edition of The Guinness Book of Records. I wonder if Mr Ball could give me a ring. Has anyone ever gone for this many in that league before ??? With a performance like that he will be straight back in the firsts next week.

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Have heard you bunch of losers might be considering investing in a greyhound. Hope it runs better than Drury. Woof. BB

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Now then Bally. A pubic (SIC) humiliation: very Freudian. I was paid good money to include your notable performance. Good to see it has had the desired effect. Expect to see a ton with bat or ball next weekend. It was 22.5 yards by the way.

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great to see a quality spinner at Keyworth. The young ginger lad bowling uphill. I cannot wait to see him in action bowling in tandom with that ethnic bowler.

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Guess the year????????Rolling Stones release "between the buttons" album, Forest beat Man Utd and get their record crowd :49,945, You only live twice released at flicks and finally some other tits associated with this number Pamela Anderson born. Have you got it yet????? First prize : eleven overs in the stiffs next week ANSWER:- "67"

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Bally 27 is not bad, but what did you go for in your second over ?????

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Now look here Drurs, just because you can't run 22 yards as quick as you thought you do not need to take it out on me. Pubicly humiliating myself in Bramcote on Saturday was bad enough but making my bowling performance global is just not on!!. At least I managed to run between the wickets 27 times better than yourself. Goodnight !!.

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And finally, a man with a white hat, white coat and black trousers was arrested last night in Long Eaton town centre following a night of high jinks which began at The Griffin Inn, Plumtree. The man, in his fifties, was seen drinking with players from Long Eaton and Plumtee CC who had congregated in The Griffin Inn to celebrate another Keyworth defeat. He was later found inebriated near the old Speedway track on Station Rd Long Eaton, rambling on about being given the "freedom of Long Eaton" and that "bastard" Drury was run out by miles. Police have now confirmed that the man, not named, has been charged with impersonating an umpire!!!!!!!

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I notice Steve Daft hasn't made the "performances" page since early June. Has he lost his bat ?