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I cannot accept the criticism levelled by Statto below. There is no way on this earth that Drury, Baker and Dessaur can be classed as 'spinners'. Please research your subject properly in future.

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Just looking at your bowling stats for last year and it appears to me that the route of the problem is this shite spin attack you are persisting with. The only thing remotely like an Indian wicket you have is the Indian Knights restaurant on the boundary. Isn't it ironic that 3 of the worst 4 bowlers last year were spinners ie Baker, Drury and Dessaur. No doubt Jani will be a 4th in the list of poor performers this year. It is hardly Edmonds and Emburey is it lads. Get rid of this shite and start with the genuine pace and swing attack again. Remember that statistics are a vital guide in assessing the strengths but more in this case, the weaknesses of the side. It hardly takes a great mind like mine to see why you can't bowl half a team out.

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Early press reports indicate that the public of Keyworth are to get their man on Saturday. Rumours are rife that Andy Cowlard has made the first X1 squad for Saturday !!. Local resident Les Wilcox said "It's a great day for English Cricket that this fine performer has finally been recognised". Has his call come too late to save the 'Millers' from the drop ?. Please write in with your poll on whether Andrew Cowlard can save the team from early relegation. Ken Barlow

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Simon Harris or should I say Loyal Supporter !!. Any more comments about my arse and ankles and I will come on to bowl at the bottom end next week !!. (P.S. Hope your signing for the Tavern again you nugget !!).

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If ANYONE is interested in playing for the Super Stiffs on Saturday.Please apply to Crusty The Clown & Side-show Bob. (a.k.a. Gret & Dafty)

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WANTED; 11 Players, no let's re-phase that.11 men/women/children/dogs/cats/any f*!*ing one for this Saturday for the Super Stiffs, away at Bramcote.12.45pm meet at The Key!!!!!

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Shame on those who didn't contribute to the CAKE STALL the other week.We know who you are. Fat basta-ds couldn't be arsed to carry it up to the show so you thought I might as well eat it. No wonder your not fit Bally and whats your excuse "hippo" Heppers?

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On saturday beware of "the fat f-cker with the wicked inducker"

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rumour has it that the skipper has been seen around town hand in hand with a pigmy warrior, apparently she is opening against Long Eaton, with her fiance.

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Still bored of all this overweight drivel? Please e-mail me if you would like my carrot cake recipe. Just a small knob of butter, a pinch of sugar and masses of good wholesome veggies. Tea-ladies - how about more of that lovely celery and low calorie dips.